Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You may now shotgun with the bride
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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