There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
