I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
