I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
