i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
