I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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