Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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