Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
