whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
