Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
