if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize