It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
