just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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