I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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