I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
