Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
