We're facebook friends in real life
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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