when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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