The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
