I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize