So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
