I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
