Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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