Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
don't judge my taste in strippers
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
