if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
