Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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