Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
