Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
