my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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