Christians are straight up FREAKS
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
