I accidentally had phone sex last night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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