No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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