Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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