i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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