explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
