why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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