Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
A+ Viking dick
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
