yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
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