sarcasm needs its own font
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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