my phone needs a breathalizer
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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