when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
