i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
