i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
