Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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