I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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