He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
