So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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