i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
