they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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