i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
