we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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