The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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