I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
