Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
