Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
