you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
