I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize