I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
