Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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