At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize